child lying about doing homework

Adolescence

What to do if your child or teen lies about schoolwork, helping your child be truthful when he does not want to be.

Posted October 11, 2014

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"That teacher is a jerk!" thirteen-year-old Alex yelled at his mother. He continued, "Mom, you always blame me for everything. Lots of people in my class did not turn those assignments in. And, anyway, that teacher hates me and is out to get me!" Sadly for Alex, after I spoke with the school counselor and some of his teachers, it became clear that Alex, like many other students with schoolwork avoidance problems, was quite distorted in his way of looking at things.

Sara, age ten, sitting across from me in my office blankly stared away when her mother pleadingly stated, "I thought you told me you were keeping up with your schoolwork okay. Then today I get that upsetting note from your teacher. I thought things were going to be better this year, Sara, but it is already starting not to look that way."

Jason, age fifteen, yelled at his father, "You always expect me to be perfect." His father replied, "No, that's not true, but I do expect you to be honest with me. I just wish mom and I could trust you to tell us when you are having problems at school." Jason answered, "Why should I trust you when all you and mom do is yell at me!"

As I discuss in my book, 10 Days to a Less Distracted Child , children and teens who lie about their school work only slip deeper into emotional quicksand! Like many children or adolescents with AD/HD, the examples above illustrate those who may otherwise desire to be responsible yet fall into a pattern of avoiding schoolwork and not being truthful about it. Being overly stressed out and desperate, such kids often feel that lying is the easiest way to deal with the demands of parents and teachers. These children and teens are usually not trying to be bad or malicious, but the repetitive pattern of lying becomes a bad habit. For many children and adolescents, lying to avoid schoolwork demands is self-serving in the short term (e.g., avoid doing something or deny responsibility for their actions) but creates long-term pain and chaos.

What to do if a child or adolescent lies about schoolwork:

• Probe for and validate the child/ teen 's underlying fears without condoning the lying behavior.

• Acknowledge and praise when your child/teen is up front and open with you by expressing appreciation for it.

• Remember to be vigilant for CANNOT versus CHOOSE NOT. There may be an underlying learning disability or AD/HD problem lurking below the surface.

• Be mindful of the stresses that your child/teen is facing in or outside of school. Remember that students often act out social, substance abuse , emotional, and home adjustment issues by shutting down on their academics.

• Realize that as gamey and manipulative as your child or teen appears, deep down he or she is not feeling good about things.

• Watch how you speak. Avoid being critical and shaming .

• When necessary, seek support from school resources, including guidance staff, and teachers.

Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein is a psychologist with over 23 years of experience specializing in child, adolescent, couples, and family therapy . He holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the State University of New York at Albany and completed his post-doctoral internship at the University of Pennsylvania Counseling Center. He has appeared on the Today Show, Court TV as an expert advisor, CBS Eyewitness News Philadelphia, 10! Philadelphia—NBC, and public radio. Dr. Bernstein has authored four books, including the highly popular 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Perseus Books, 2006), 10 Days to a Less Distracted Child (Perseus Books 2007), Why Can't You Read My Mind? , and Liking the Child You Love, Perseus Books 2009).

Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. , is a psychologist and the author of seven books, including 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.

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Why kids lie and what parents can do about it.

How to help kids find honest alternatives to bending the truth.

Writer: Beth Arky

Clinical Expert: Matthew H. Rouse, PhD

What You'll Learn

• What are some reasons kids lie?
• What can parents do about lying?
• How can parents help their kids avoid lying to begin with?

We know kids sometimes lie to get what they want, avoid trouble, or get out of things. But there are plenty of other reasons kids might not tell the truth.  

Young kids might lie to see what happens. Kids who feel bad about themselves might lie to seem cooler. Depressed or anxious kids might lie because they don’t want others to worry. Sometimes kids with ADHD just talk before they think. 

What parents should do depends on how bad the lying is and where the lie comes from. If a kid lies every so often for attention, it’s best to ignore it and move on. If it keeps happening, you might gently call them on it. Say, “Hey, this sounds like a tall tale. Why don’t you try again and tell me what really happened?”   

When older kids lie about something serious, the punishment should fit the size of the lie. Kids also need to deal with what they lied about to begin with. Say your child lied about not having homework all week. They need to do all that work. Plus, they should face a consequence like temporarily losing screen time.   

To avoid lies , let kids know they’ll be in less trouble if they tell the truth. Then follow through on that. You can also give your child a second chance to tell the truth. Walk away for a few minutes and let them answer again. And putting kids on the spot can set them up to lie. If you know what really happened, skip to that.

Finally, never call your child a liar . That causes more hurt and makes your child think you don’t trust them.  

Call them fibs, whoppers or straight-up untruths: However you label them, kids are likely to lie somewhere along the way. While a younger child may conjure up an elaborate tale about how she couldn’t possibly have kicked a younger sibling, older kids may flat-out lie about doing their homework .

Sometimes the onset of lying is sudden and intense, reports Matthew Rouse, PhD, a clinical psychologist. “It’s a new thing where they were pretty truthful most of the time before and then suddenly they’re lying about a lot of stuff,” he says. This, of course, is concerning to parents. But if caregivers can understand why kids lie and be prepared to deal with the issue, the truth can come out.

Why kids lie

  Most parents think children lie to get something they want, avoid a consequence or get out of something they don’t want to do. These are common motivations, but there are also some less obvious reasons why kids might not tell the truth — or at least the whole truth.

To test out a new behavior

Dr. Rouse says one reason children lie is because they’ve discovered this novel idea and are trying it out, just as they do with most kinds of behaviors, to see what happens. “They’ll wonder, what happens if I lie about this situation?” he says. “What will it do for me? What does it get me out of? What does it get me?’”

To enhance self-esteem and gain approval

Children who lack confidence may tell grandiose lies to make themselves seem more impressive, special or talented to inflate their self-esteem and make themselves look good in the eyes of others.  Dr. Rouse recalls treating an eighth-grader who was exaggerating wildly about 80 percent of the time: “They were kind of incredible experiences that weren’t within the bounds of plausible at all.” For instance, the boy would say he’d gone to a party and everyone had started to chant for him when he came in the door.

To get the focus off themselves

Children with anxiety or depression might lie about their symptoms to get the spotlight off them, Dr. Rouse notes. Or they might minimize their issues, saying something like “No, no I slept fine last night” because they don’t want people worrying about them.

Speaking before they think

Carol Brady, PhD, a clinical psychologist and regular columnist for ADDitude magazine who works with a lot of kids with ADHD , says they may lie out of impulsivity. “One of the hallmarks of the impulsive type of ADHD is to talk before they think,” she says, “so a lot of times you’re going to get this lying issue.”

Sometimes kids can really believe they’ve done something and tell what sounds like a lie, Dr. Brady adds. “Sometimes they’ll really just forget. I have kids who say, ‘To tell you the truth, Dr. Brady, I thought I did my homework. I really thought I did. I didn’t remember I had that extra work.’” When this happens, she says, they need help supplementing their memory by using techniques such as checklists, time limits and organizers.

And then there are white lies

Just to make things even trickier, in certain situations parents might actually encourage children to tell a white lie in order to spare someone’s feelings. In this case, the white lie and when to use it fall under the umbrella of social skills.

What parents can do about lying

Both Dr. Rouse and Dr. Brady say it’s first important to think about the function of the lie. “When I’m doing an evaluation, there are questions on our intake forms where parents can check off whether the child lies,” Dr. Rouse says. “It’s something I might spend 20 minutes delving into. What kinds of lies, what are the circumstances of the lies?” He says behavioral treatments depend on the function of the lies and the severity of the problem . “There are no hard and fast guidelines,” he says. “Different levels mean different repercussions.”

Level 1 lie

When it comes to attention-seeking lying, Dr. Rouse says that, generally speaking, it’s best to ignore it. Rather than saying harshly, “That’s a lie. I know that didn’t happen to you,” he suggests a gentle approach where parents don’t necessarily have a consequence but they’re also not trying to feed it a lot of attention.

This is especially true if the lying is coming from place of low self-esteem. “So if they’re saying, ‘I scored 10 goals today at recess in soccer and everybody put me on their shoulders and it was amazing’ and you think it’s not true, then I would say don’t ask a bunch of follow-up questions.” For these kind of low-level lies that aren’t really hurting anyone but aren’t good behavior, ignoring and redirecting to something that you know is more factual is the way to go.

Level 2 lie

If that doesn’t work, Dr. Rouse says, parents can be more transparent about it by offering a mild reprimand. “I’ve had situations where it’s an inflated kind of fantastical type of lie,” he says. “I’ll have parents label it and call it a tall tale. If the child is telling one of these stories, a parent will gently say, ‘Hey, this sounds like a tall tale, why don’t you try again and tell me what really happened?’ ” It’s about pointing out the behavior and encouraging kids to try again.

Level 3 lie

If something is more serious, like older kids lying about where they’ve been or whether they’ve done their homework, parents can think about having a consequence . Kids should be clear that there will be repercussions for this kind of lie, so it’s not coming out of the blue. Like all consequences, Dr. Rouse recommends it should be something short-lived, not overblown, which gives the child a chance to get back to practicing better behaviors. Some examples: losing her phone for an hour or having to do a chore

Also, depending on the severity, there also has to be a component of addressing what they were lying about. If a child has said they didn’t have any homework all week and then the parent finds out they had homework every day, there needs to be some kind of consequence for the lying and they also have to sit down and do all the work. If they’ve hit another child and lied about it, there’s a consequence for the lying and also for hitting. In this case, Dr. Rouse says, you would also have your child write an apology letter to the other child.

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Ways to help your kids avoid lying in the first place  

Let them know the truth reduces consequences.

For instance, if teens have been drinking at a party, the parent will want them to call to be picked up. But kids know there also has to be a consequence for the drinking. “There’s a hard balance to strike between having the open dialogue but also setting appropriate limits when necessary,” Dr. Rouse says.

In this situation, where lying would have been easier, when parents are doling out the consequence they can also praise the child for telling the truth and tell them it makes them more trustworthy. They might also reduce the consequence, such as letting kids know they’re taking their phone away for a day instead of a week.

Dr. Rouse adds one caveat: Children and teens should not think consequences are negotiable. “Sometimes the kid will say, ‘But I told you the truth,’” he says. “They’ll get manipulative, saying, ‘This is just making me want to never tell the truth again.’” Parents shouldn’t give in at that point.

Use truth checks

Let’s say parents have been told by a teacher their child didn’t do their homework. Dr. Brady suggests that they give their kid a chance to tell the truth. If they doesn’t at first, the parents could say, “I’m going to walk away and give you 10 minutes and then I’m going to come back and ask you again. If you change your mind and want to give me a different answer, it’s just a truth check and you won’t get in trouble.”

This way, if a child gives an off-the-cuff answer because they’re scared of consequences or they don’t want to disappoint a parent, they have the chance to really think about whether they want to lie or fess up without the consequences. Dr. Brady notes that this technique isn’t for a child who chronically lies.

Use the preamble method

Parents can also set up kids to tell the truth by reminding them that they don’t expect perfection, Dr. Brady notes. Parents could say, “I’m going to ask you a question and maybe you’re going to tell me something I don’t really want to hear. But remember, your behavior is not who you are. I love you no matter what, and sometimes people make mistakes. So I want you to think about giving me an honest answer.” Giving kids a chance to reflect on this may lead to them telling the truth.

Give kids with ADHD more time to think

Dr. Brady says kids with ADHD, who are prone to giving impulsive answers that come out as lies, need some extra time to think things through before speaking. Impulsivity can be a problem both at home and in school, when a teacher asks if a child has finished an assignment and the child answers yes without even looking at their paper. That’s when he needs to be taught to slow down and check their work.

What parents s houldn’t do

Don’t ever corner your child.

Putting a child on the spot can set him up to lie. If parents know the true story, Dr. Brady recommends, they should go right to the issue and discuss it. Instead of asking a child if they didn’t do their homework, a parent could just say, “I know you didn’t do it. Let’s talk about why that’s not a good idea.”

Don’t label your child a liar

It’s a big mistake to call a child a liar, Dr Brady argues. The wound it creates is bigger than dealing with what they lied about in the first place. It causes the child to think, “Mom won’t believe me.” It makes them feel bad about themselves and may set up a pattern of lying.

Frequently Asked Questions

Children lie for several reasons, such as testing out a new behavior or gaining approval. Children who lack confidence may tell lies to make themselves seem more impressive to their peers. Children with anxiety or depression might lie about how they’re feeling so their parents don’t worry about them. Children with ADHD may lie out of impulsivity, speaking before they think.

To deal with a lying child, you can give them a chance to tell the truth, praise them when they do, and remind them that perfection isn’t expected. Parents can give children with ADHD more time to think things through before speaking, as they tend to speak impulsively.

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Why Kids Lie about Homework (and How to Handle It)

Editorial Staff · July 7, 2018 ·

When you were young did you lie about homework? I certainly did. I’m not always sure why I lied to my parents about homework, but thinking back after all of these years it occurs to me that one reason for doing so was that it seemed like a huge amount of work. There were so many other things that I wanted to do and see but all I was told to do was homework. I went to school for hours and hours a day only to come home to do hours and hours of more work. This got worse and worse as I got older and found myself doing three to four hours of homework everyday in highschool. Do your children lie about doing their homework? Do they tell you that they don’t have any work, or do they tell you that it is already done or almost done? There are few children who have not lied at least a little about doing their homework. The question for you as a concerned parent is what to do about this situation. Should you punish them severely? Should you yell and scream at your children, regardless of their age or level of maturity? Perhaps you should do nothing at all and let them suffer the consequences of getting bad grades. These are all different ways to handle the situation, but none of these options is particularly good. Let’s face it, you need some sort of strategy or plan to deal with this situation, and you need to implement it now. The less homework your child does the worse their grades are, and in the long run that turns into missed opportunities that they will very much regret. While it is good to not be too severe, and especially with a young child, you need to help your child see what homework is all about and why lying about it is wrong.

Keep track of her homework.

Your children are probably lying about their homework both because they simply don’t want to do it and because they have other things that they would like to do. Confront your child both about the lying and not doing homework. Don’t be angry or confrontational. Show them that you understand why a person might not want to do homework. If they say it is because it is hard then you might be able to get them some tutoring help to make it easier. If it is because there are other things they want to do, then use those other things as an incentive for getting the work done. Suggest that you will help them get what they want, whether it is play time or some sort of special toy if they can get their homework done. Explain to them that they can’t pull the wool over your eyes, and that you know when they are lying. This should convince them that lying is not an effective way to get what they want. By replacing a negative strategy with a positive one you should see quick results.

The other thing you need to do is help your children see why homework is a good thing and why lying is a very bad thing. Help them to understand that lying harms people. Many children don’t realize the long term consequences of the things that they do. If they could see how their actions actually affect someone they would be sorry for them. Help them to understand that it hurts you when they lie and they will be far less likely to do so.

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Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / Lying

How To Deal With Lying in Children and Teens

By janet lehman, msw.

When you catch your child in a lie, it’s natural to feel betrayed, hurt, angry, and frustrated. But here’s the truth: lying is a normal child behavior problem. It needs to be addressed, but for most kids, it’s not a character flaw, and it’s not an issue of morality.

Instead, lying is the immature and ineffective way they choose to solve a problem. Rather than fix an underlying problem, your child lies about it.

If your child doesn’t complete his homework, he solves that problem by lying and telling you he did. If your child doesn’t get home before her curfew, she lies about why. Or about where she was or who she was with. Lying is used to avoid consequences rather than face them.

I believe that with kids, lying is used as a faulty problem–solving skill. And it’s our job as parents to teach our children how to solve those problems in more constructive ways. Sometimes that means addressing the lying directly, but other times it means addressing the underlying behavior that made the lie seem necessary.

In this article, I explain the various reasons why kids lie and how to handle specific lying situations.

Kids Lie To Avoid Trouble

Most often, kids lie to avoid trouble. Let’s say they’ve gotten themselves into a jam because they did something they shouldn’t have done. Maybe they broke a rule, or they didn’t do something they were supposed to do, like their chores. If they don’t have another way out, rather than suffer the consequences, they lie to avoid getting into trouble.

Again, in my opinion, the primary reason kids lie is that they don’t have another way of dealing with a problem or conflict. Sometimes it’s the only way they know how to solve a problem. It’s a survival skill, albeit a faulty one.

Kids Lie to Individuate From Their Parents

Sometimes kids use lying as a way to keep part of their lives separate from their parents. In psychology, we call this individuation , and it’s quite normal.

At times it may even seem that they make up needless lies about things that seem trivial. It can be baffling to parents.

And, of course, children lie when they think the house rules are too strict and they decide to disobey them.

Let’s say you have a 16–year–old who isn’t allowed to wear makeup, but all her friends are wearing it. So she wears it outside the house, then lies to you about it. Lying may become a way for her to have you believe she’s following your rules and still do typical teen activities.

Kids Lie To Establish Identity

Kids will use lying to establish an identity, even if that identity is false. This can be used to impress their peers, perhaps in response to peer pressure. Your child might lie to his peers about things he says he’s done (that he hasn’t) to make himself sound more impressive. This is not unusual, and we all know adults who still do this in one way or another.

Kids Lie To Get Attention

When your child is young, and the lies are inconsequential, this behavior may just be his way of getting a little attention. This is normal.

Younger children also make up stories during imaginative play. Understand that this is not lying but rather a way for them to engage their imaginations and start to make sense of the world around them.

So, when a small child says, “Mommy, I just saw Santa fly by the window,” I think it is very different from an older child who says, “I finished my homework,” when he hasn’t.

Kids Lie To Avoid Hurting Other’s Feelings

At some point, most people learn how to bend the truth in order not to hurt other people’s feelings. If someone asks you if you like their new shoes, and you don’t, you might still say, “Hey, those look great on you” instead of being completely honest.

But kids don’t have the same sophistication that adults do, so it’s often more comfortable for them to lie instead. This type of lying is a first step toward learning how to say something more carefully.

Indeed, we teach our kids to lie when we say, “Tell Grandma you like the present even if you don’t because it will hurt her feelings otherwise.”

We have a justifiable reason—we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings who’s gone out of their way for us. Nevertheless, we are still teaching our kids how to bend the truth. And again, this is normal.

Lying in Children is Not Usually a Moral Issue

I don’t believe lying in children is a moral issue. Therefore, I think it’s imperative not to take it personally if your child lies.

Indeed, most kids don’t lie to hurt their parents. They lie because there’s something else going on. The important part for you as a parent is to address the behavior behind the lie. If you’re taking it personally, you’re probably angry and upset—and not dealing with the behavior that led to the lie.

Here’s an example. Let’s say your child didn’t do his homework, but he told you he did. When you find out that he’s lying and confront him, he confesses and explains that he was playing sports with friends after school, and that’s why he didn’t do his homework.

At this point, you have a choice to make as a parent. Either you can focus on the fact that your child lied to you, or you can focus on the fact that he did not complete his homework.

I strongly recommend that you focus on the underlying behavior—the homework not being completed. As your child improves the underlying behavior, the reason for lying will go away. He won’t need to lie.

In contrast, if you yell at your child about the lying, about being betrayed, or about being disrespected, then that’s all you’re going to be able to address. Your child will shut down. And you’re not going to be able to deal with the real issue of your child ensuring that his homework is completed.

The bottom line is that your anger and frustration about the lie is not going to help your child change the behavior (not doing his homework) that made the lie necessary for him.

So lying is not strictly a moral issue; it’s a problem–solving issue. Lying is a lack of skills issue and an avoiding consequences issue. Your child isn’t lying because he is immoral; he’s lying because he can’t figure out how to get his homework done on time.

Most kids know right from wrong—that’s why they’re lying in the first place. They don’t want to get in trouble for what they’ve done, and they’re using lying to solve their problems.

That means our kids need better problem-solving skills, and you can respond as a parent by helping them work on their ability to problem-solve, which can be accomplished with effective consequences that teach your child how to problem-solve.

Pick Your Battles: Focus on the Serious Lies

I believe it’s the parent’s job to determine which lies are serious and which are not. And the most serious lies pertain to unsafe, illegal, or risky behavior. Therefore, I recommend that you pick your battles and focus on the serious lies.

For example, you may hear your child say to another child, “Oh, I like that dress,” and then later on in the car, they tell you, “I didn’t like that dress.” You might decide to confront your child about this contradiction. But you might also let it go, especially if this happens only occasionally.

But if they’re lying about something risky or illegal or unsafe, you must address it. And if it’s about risky sexual behavior, drugs, or other harmful activities—you may need to seek some help from a professional.

So pick your battles. Focus on what’s important.

What to Do If You Catch Your Child in a Lie

If you catch your child in a serious lie, I recommend that you do not react immediately. Instead, send him to his room so you can calm down. Talk with your spouse or a trusted friend or family member and come up with a game plan. Allow yourself time to think about how to handle the situation.

Remember, when you respond without thinking, you’re not going to be effective. So give yourself a little time to plan this out.

When you do talk, don’t argue with your child about the lie. Just state what you saw, and what is obvious. You may not know the reason for the lie, but eventually, your child might fill you in on it. Again, simply state the behaviors that you saw.

The conversation might go something like this:

“I got a call from our neighbor. She saw you sneaking out of your window. And I noticed that you were falling asleep at the kitchen table this morning at breakfast. But you told us that you were home all night.”

And then say to your teen:

“There’s going to be a consequence for that. You’re not going to be able to stay over at your friend’s house next weekend. And we’re concerned about where you went.”

Leave the door open for him to tell you what happened.

Remember, state what you believe based on the facts you have. Do it without arguing; just say it matter–of–factly.

“We have this information, we believe it to be true, and these are the consequences.”

Keep it very simple and listen to what your child has to say, but be firm.

How to Address Chronic Lying: Stage a Lying Intervention

If your child lies chronically or lies about unsafe, risky, or unhealthy behavior, I think it makes sense to address the actual lying in addition to the underlying behavior. You can do this by staging a lying intervention .

A lying intervention is a planned and structured conversation about lying behavior. This conversation lets your child know what you’ve been seeing, and it gives you a chance to tell them that you are concerned.

Here are some things to keep in mind when staging an intervention.

Plan the Intervention in Advance

Think about how you’re going to intervene in advance. Plan it with your spouse or co-parent. If you’re single, ask another close adult family member to be there with you.

When this issue came up with our son, my husband James and I planned out what we were going to say, how we were going to react, and even where we were going to sit.

We decided we were going to be as neutral and unemotional as possible. We identified the problem behaviors we wanted to address. We also decided what would be the consequences for our son’s behavior.

We did all of this ahead of time.

Be Specific About the Lying Behavior

When you’re talking with your child, be specific about what you saw and what the problems are. State your intentions calmly and matter-of-factly:

“If the lying about homework continues, this will be the consequence.”

“It’s obvious you snuck out last night. There will be a consequence for that behavior.”

Remember, it has to be a consequence that you can and will follow through with.

Keep the Intervention’s Message Simple

Keep it very focused and simple for your child. Concentrate on the behavior. And then tell him that you want to hear what was happening that made him feel he needed to lie.

Understand that you are not looking for an excuse for the lie, but rather to identify the problem your child was having that they used lying to solve.

Be direct and specific. The intervention itself should be quick and to–the–point. Don’t lecture your child for a long time. Remember that lecturing is not going to be helpful. Kids just tune that out. They’ve heard it over and over. They stop listening, and nothing changes. Lecturing is ineffective.

Take Time to Listen to Your Child

Because lying is most likely the way your child is trying to problem-solve, make sure you indicate that you want to hear what’s going on with her. Allow your child to explain herself and be prepared just to listen.

She may not be ready to talk with you about it initially. Therefore, just be open to hearing what your child’s problem is. You want to create a safe environment for her to open up to you.

But if your child is not ready, don’t push her. Instead, simply reiterate that you are willing to listen whenever she wants to talk. Try to be patient.

Related content: How to Talk to Your Child About Lying

A Word about Magical Thinking

Be aware that kids and adolescents are prone to engage in what psychologists call magical thinking . Your child engages in magical thinking when he convinces himself that his lies are true. Understand that your child doesn’t want to believe he’s a liar. No one wants to be known as a liar.

So you’ll see kids who’ve gotten caught smoking at school say, “No, I wasn’t smoking”—even though the smoke is still in the air. That’s magical thinking.

And when you’re a kid, you think that if you keep repeating the same thing over and over again, it will magically be true.

Moreover, if your child gets away with a few lies, he will start thinking he should be able to get away with them the next time. The lies become more and more abundant—and absurd.

But it’s your job as a parent to say in a matter–of–fact way what you feel is the truth. Acknowledge the lie, but give the consequence for the behavior, not for the lie.

Realize that most kids are not going to lie forever. In all my years in working with adolescents, there were very, very few kids that I met who lied chronically for no reason. Usually, kids don’t lie arbitrarily; they have a reason for doing so, no matter how wrong that reason might be. Your child does know right from wrong, but sometimes he chooses to lie.

I understand that it’s hard not to take lying personally or to be disappointed when your child lies. But just remember, your child is trying to solve a problem ineffectively. Our job is to teach them appropriate and effective ways to solve problems and to coach them through these confusing years. Over time, they can learn to do that without lying.

Empowering Parents Podcast: Apple, Spotify

For more information on the concept of individuation in psychology and behavior, we recommend the following article:

GoodTherapy: Individuation

About Janet Lehman, MSW

Janet Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years. A veteran social worker, she specializes in child behavior issues — ranging from anger management and oppositional defiance to more serious criminal behavior in teens. She is co-creator of The Total Transformation® Program , The Complete Guide To Consequences™ , Getting Through To Your Child™ , and Two Parents One Plan™ .

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Unsure Unsure about my situation. My 15 year old says my rules are over the top. The one he has the most issues with is no phone after 10pm and no computer after 11pm. I have a rule he can game but not conversating with his female friends after 10pm. More Tonight he was gaming until 1230 am and then he told me it was one of his guy friends. When I pushed him on it he continued to say it was his guy friend. I saw his tablet that was connected to same game on computer that he was talking to a girl. I was am upset that he lied about who he was talking to. But more so that he broke the rule of no computer after 11 and no talking to anyone. He added her on the computer so when the phone shut off he still continued on the computer. When I asked him why he lied he says because other kids don't have rules like mine. Everyone gets to talk until 1 or 2 am. That im overbearing. To me that's absolutely ridiculous. Am I living under a rock or something? Do parents really let their kids stay up all night on the phone or computer? How do I address this. I think my rules are pretty lenient this child would not sleep if I didn't have any rules. Any advice is appreciated. I grounded him from all electronics for a week. Am I being to harsh? He's an only child and I'm struggling at this stage.

Dawn J Esq My son is 13, 7th grade, ADHD inactive. last year was hard with virtual learning, now he's barely turning in anything. Its come to me monitoring daily what's been turned in to the best that I can do but he continues to lie to me about having turned More missing assignments in. he's had consequences, to no avail-he is my youngest child of 4. help.

Gale Can't talk to her. Won't engage in any conversation,uses what I am upset about against me and does it again and denies she's doing anything, it's all me.

I just found out that my 10 yo girl has been lying to her so called best friend in school about her own background such as;-

- her parents have divorced n rarely come home early (totally untrue and quite opposite. I am a homemaker and are always around for my girls and my husband usually returns home early from work)

- we live in a five-storey house and own a few cars (we live in an apartment and have only 2 cars)

- we have a gym in our house (we don't, her cousin has)

- She has also been chatting online with her friends on the sly while having her classes online.

I don't understand why she lied about such things and doing things on the sly when I always encourages her to speak only the truth and also seek my permission before she chats with her friends, which I hv never rejected her request before.

Please could you advise me what to do? Note that she doesn't know that I found out about her lies.

I can understand your distress. Lying is a challenging behavior for many parents to address. We have several articles that offer helpful tips for managing lying in children and teens. You can find those here:https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/child-behavior-problems/lying/

We appreciate you reaching out and sharing your story. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going, Take care.

AtMyWitsEnd I don't even know where to start. My 12yo has all this school year lied to me on an almost weekly basis about homework completion. She's always has issues with math and it's what she will lie about. It started when we had to go to a hybrid schedule 2 More weeks into the school year. She attends in person 2 days a week in person all other days are virtual. She has supervision throughout the day at her day camp, but they do not help with anything except chromebook/tech issues. Then she has another hour of just hanging out with her friends at the club before I'm off work. Our routine is when she gets picked up I ask about any work in each subject. Then we get home and either do what is left or I check for completion before she's allowed phone time. But repeatedly she's said it's all completed, and even with the daily checks and phone restriction she lies. She's admitted to knowing it was there and wanted to just do it later. Everytime it's been math assignments, it makes some sense because it's the subject she struggles with, but why continue to lie if she know she'll still have to sit down and do it like normal? I've emailed her teacher multiple times telling him when we've spent what I consider an extended period of time on a single assignment i.e. 30 minutes or more for 1 workbook page, I've repeatedly said depending on the assignment sometimes I can't help much and we google YouTube videos. I just get the same response of assignments and due dates are based on what an average student can complete. I don't know if I should say X amount of time on this then I don't care what the teacher says we are done for the night, finish it late and see if that improves the lying? We still haven't been able to get tutoring because she's not "failing". So do I just let her fail to get help? I just want her to be honest, not avoid it something that's hard. All that gets is negative consequences but I can't seem to get through to her. It's progressed to no phone, no radio at night, books taken away(very big reader I do feel guilty for that one). The amount of time without her privileges has progressed like we wrote down when this started. Now up to 3 weeks to earn all back. The only phone pass during those times is texting and calling her dad after school work is done. He's unfortunately not very supportive in any of this only "you should just get it done and stop lying to your mom". I don't know what else I can do.

Hi everyone, searching for some advice. My family is a blended family, and have been together as a family for nearly 4 years. My daughter has recently started, or my partner feels not so recently, telling constant white lies, either to get out of doing homework, or to get another snack, or just generally get her own way in a situation. Last night, after some decorating had taken place, dust accumulated on the hoover in the hallway. After my daughter had gone to bed, my partner noticed the word idiot wrote in the dust on the hoover. He was really upset, Although their relationship has been challenging over the years, recently I felt it had improved and they had become closer. Anyway, he took the writing left personally, and thought it was directed at him. I although not pleased that this type of word had been written, couldn’t understand why he thought it was directed at him.

When I confronted my daughter about it, she denied writing it, although was the only other person in the house with us that evening. I pointed out the facts, and said it’s really difficult to believe you when I keep catching you out in lies, but I just don’t understand it. They had got on fine that evening, my daughter didn’t seem to have any resentment against my partner for anything that she would tell me anyway. So I just don’t understand it. What do I do to prevent the lies continuing?

Many thanks

Empowering Parents Editor Hi, thanks for visiting our site. Here's an article that most parents find very helpful: How to Give Kids Consequences That Work

drowden Hi, Maranda. It’s not uncommon for kids to lie in an attempt to get out of trouble. Lying is a poor problem solving skill. When a child is faced with a problem he doesn’t know how to handle, like having to face the consequences of his actions, he may lie More because he doesn’t know what else to do. And, he may continue to lie until he develops a more effective problem solving skill, even though he knows the behavior only adds to his troubles. Janet Lehman does give some great tips for how to address lying in children and teens in the above article. Another article you may find helpful is Kids and Lying: Does Your Child Twist The Truth? We appreciate you writing in. Take care.

So.... I have two boys ages 9 and 4. We are having issues with my oldest with lying....all the time.... about everything and not just little fibs but blatant lies, things I have no idea why he would even think to lie about. When I say everything I mean I could catch him in the middle of doing something he's not suppose to be doing and he will fight to the death that he wasn't doing it, knowing full well he was caught and that I saw him. But the very idea of owning up to the truth appears to be a concept that is unknown to him.

He lies when he doesn't even have a reason to lie. This issue has been ongoing for quite sometime now. My husband and I have done everything you could think of to curb this behavior, from losing electronics, chores, groundings,spending more time with him, sitting down and calmly talking to him about the importance of telling the truth, being honest and taking responsibility for his actions and understanding there are consequences for our actions good and bad. I have told him so many times that the truth may get him in a little trouble but not nearly as much as lying will. I have read countless articles, adjusted my own behavior to try and help, I ask him why he feels the need to lie, he just says he doesn't know. But no matter how calmly I address the problem or how upset we get with him...the behavior doesn't change. It's like a second nature to him. Compulsive. Only at home though.

I have personally gone and spoke to our family doctor about it and was pretty much shrugged off as it being a phase. It is getting to the point where even his younger brother is beginning to lie all the time as well (though its easier to get him to admit when he has fibbed). He lies to the point that it is incredibly difficult to tell when he actually is telling the truth. He will swear up and down that he is being honest, crying saying I never believe him (which of course makes me feel unbelievably guilty) and then not 5 minutes later he's caught in a lie. I make sure to praise him and tell him how proud I am of him, and on a daily basis when he lies I explain to him that I know(because I do) that he is better then the lies he tells and is capable of so much better. I hug and kiss my kids every day. I tell them I love them and make sure to express that love openly. They know that no matter what they do..I will always love them, that nothing in this world will ever change that.

I'm struggling, no matter how consistent we are nothing seems to be helping. I've lost my patience and find myself losing my temper way more then I'm proud off, I question myself constantly on what I'm doing wrong. I'm at my wits end. I don't know what else to do. Please Help!

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach I hear you. Lying can be such a tough pattern to address for many families, so you are not alone in dealing with this. As outlined in the article above, it tends to be more effective to view lying as a faulty problem-solving skill, rather than as a More moral failing or character flaw. So, part of changing this pattern will be helping your son to build more appropriate skills. For example, you might ask him “What could you do differently instead of lying next time?” You might find some additional tips in “How Dare You Lie to Me!“ How to Deal with a Lying Teen . Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your family. Take care.

Diane My 12 year old son has been lying to the school nurse and school and now I am going to court because off my son he has been saying that I don't have food in the cupboard and I do and I can prove it and he says he More don't eat at school or home but I have photos and videos to prove it

KWJ Thank you for these tips. After reading this, I calmed down, apologized to my child for getting angry, then calmly talked about why he felt the need to lie. He said he felt better after the conversation. Hopefully this will prevent him from lying so much, but if not, he More knows there are repercussions. Great post.

Asking permission to share this article at facebook page.

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport elalinga Thank you for your question.  You are welcome to share our articles, blogs and other materials on social media, as long as you attribute credit to the article and our site.  You can also follow our https://www.facebook.com/ParentingAdvice/ for additional material from Empowering Parents.  Thank you again for reaching out, More and please let us know if you have any additional questions.  Take care.

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport Tammy Neese Thank you for your question.  You are welcome to share our articles, blogs and other materials on social media, as long as you attribute credit to the article and our site.  You can also follow our https://www.facebook.com/ParentingAdvice/ for additional material from Empowering Parents.  Thank you again for reaching More out, and please let us know if you have any additional questions.  Take care.

Good Article I am personally a teen who has lied and i really wanted to get the point of view of my parents, i have had this lying problem for a couple years and am still working on it, i definitely reccomend parents to use these methods since my parents have done More so and it has been going better ever since.

Stepmom Paradise Thank you so much for this great article! It has helped me tremendously with some issues that we are having at this moment.

Denise Darcel Thank you so much. Reading this information has given me peace of mind. I had a great concern for my grandkids. I will take this information and use it. I believe it will be a blessing for them. Thank you ver much

Swati Great article.

Excellent! Thank you for this post. I was really upset when I caught my child lying. and as you say my first reaction was to take it personally and be upset that he lied. 

Your article helped me to calm down and now I will apply your advise.

Thanks again. Your article made a difference to me and my child

G mom This was helpful to get my mind centered and see the problem from my child's perspective. Thank you!

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

• 1. “How Dare You Lie to Me!“ How to Deal with a Lying Teen
• 2. Why Kids Tell Lies And What To Do About It
• 3. Sneaky Behavior: How To Manage Kids Who Lie and Steal
• 4. How to Talk to Your Child About Lying
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Defiant Children Who Refuse To Do Homework: 30 Tips For Parents

• Your child doesn’t understand the work and needs some extra help. It’s possible that your youngster doesn’t want to do his homework because he really needs help.  Also, it can be challenging for moms and dads to accept that their youngster might need help with homework, because there is often a stigma attached to kids who need tutoring. 
• Your child is addicted to TV and video games. Moms and dads often find it very difficult to limit these activities. But, understand that playing video games and watching TV doesn’t relax a youngster’s brain.  In fact, it actually over-stimulates the brain and makes it harder for him to learn and retain information.  Too much of watching TV and playing video games contributes to your youngster struggling with school and homework in more ways than one.
• Your child is exhausted from a long day at school. In the last 10 to 20 years, the needs of kids have not changed, however the pace of life has.  Most moms and dads are busy and have very little down time, which inevitably means that the youngster ends up with less down time too.  He is going to be less likely to be motivated to work when there is chaos all around him.  
• Your child is not sleeping enough. Sleep is one of the most under-appreciated needs in our society today. When a child doesn’t get enough sleep, it can cause him to be sick more often, lose focus, and have more emotional issues. Kids often need a great deal more sleep than they usually get.  
• Your child is over-booked with other activities. Moms and dads want their youngster to develop skills other than academics. Because of this, they often sign-up their youngster for extracurricular activities (e.g., sports or arts).  
• Your child is overwhelmed by your expectations. Moms and dads want their youngster to be well-rounded and to get ahead in life.  Along with this comes getting good grades.  All these expectations can put a lot of pressure on your youngster and may cause him to become burned-out and want to find an escape.
• instructions are unclear
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• Do you understand what you're supposed to do?
• What do you need to do to finish the assignment?
• Do you need help in understanding how to do your work?
• Have you ever done any problems like the ones you're supposed to do right now?
• Do you have everything you need to do the assignment?
• Does your answer make sense to you? 
• Are you still having problems? Maybe it would help to take a break or have a snack.
• Do you need to review your notes (or reread a chapter in your textbook) before you do the assignment? 
• How far have you gotten on the assignment? Let's try to figure out where you're having a problem.

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A Parent's Guide to Lying and Age-Appropriate Consequences

Why do kids lie.

• Toddlers and Preschoolers
• School-Age Kids
• Consequences

It's no secret that sometimes kids lie. It's part of their development, and nearly all children will tell a lie or two from time to time. That said, there are different types of lies, along with different types of consequences that might go with them.

For maximum influence at each developmental stage, it's important to address the subject of lying in an age-appropriate way—and equally important to understand why kids lie to begin with. Keep reading to learn how to respond when kids are caught telling a lie, including age-appropriate consequences for lying.

Parents/Getty Images

According to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, children and adults lie for similar reasons: to get out of trouble, for personal gain, to impress or protect someone, or to be polite. At a young age, kids will experiment with the truth and continue doing so through all the developmental stages , with varying degrees of sophistication and elaboration.

Kids might also be more likely to lie if their parents lie to them during childhood. Research shows that when parents lie to their kids, those kids have a significantly higher risk of growing up with maladapted behaviors such as externalizing blame and telling lies to avoid consequences.

"Teaching children about the importance of honesty early and teaching them how to resolve situations so they don't need to rely on lying will ensure they will be honest—most of the time," says Victoria Talwar, PhD , associate professor in the Department of Educational and Counseling Psychology at McGill University in Montreal.

When Toddlers and Preschoolers Lie (Ages 2 to 4)

Because toddlers' language skills are just emerging, they don't have a clear idea yet of where truth begins and ends. At this age, toddlers also have a fairly shaky grasp on the difference between reality, daydreams, wishes, fantasies, and fears, says Elizabeth Berger, a child psychiatrist and author of Raising Kids with Character. "Strong emotions can make a 2- or 3-year-old insist, 'He ate my cookie!' when a baby brother clearly did not do anything of the kind," says Berger.

Remember that toddlers are trying to exhibit their independence , and they can make a power struggle out of any disagreement. So try a mild, diplomatic response that interjects doubt, such as, "Really? Then those must not be crumbs I see on your chin." Saying this helps avoid a battle of the wills.

Toddlers are too young to be punished for lying, but parents can subtly begin to encourage truthfulness. Consider reading a lighthearted book such as Nicola Killen's Not Me to illustrate the issue of truthfulness.

Around age 4, as children become more verbal, they can tell obvious whoppers and respond "No" when you ask simple questions like, "Did you pinch your sister?" Use every opportunity to explain what a lie is and why it's bad.

Things to Say to Your Toddler If They Lie

Below are some conversation-starters to use if you catch your toddler or preschooler in a lie:

• "Let's talk about lying and why it's not OK."
• "That sounds like you're not telling the truth."
• "Are you absolutely sure that's what happened?"

"It may not be a long conversation, but give them the message that honesty is important," says Dr. Talwar. Make it clear that you are not taken in by the lies, but move on gracefully after listening to and gently correcting your child. Avoid confronting the child further or digging for the truth unless the situation is serious and demands more attention.

When School-Age Kids Lie (Ages 5 to 8)

Children between the ages of 5 and 8 will tell more lies to test what they can get away with, especially lies related to school such as classes, homework, teachers, and friends. Maintaining the lies may still be difficult, even though they're becoming better at concealing them.

But, thankfully, most lies (such as "We didn't get any reading homework today") are relatively easy to detect. Talk openly to your children and continue reading stories together, such as Be Honest and Tell the Truth by Cheri J. Meiners. Also, notice when a child is being honest and provide praise and positive feedback .

Most importantly, because school-age children are keen observers, parents should continue to be good role models. Be careful about what reflexive lies you may be used to saying—even something as small as "Tell them I'm not at home" when you are—can send a very mixed message to a school-age child.

But not all lies are all bad. Groundbreaking and widely cited research from the 1970s has shown that, in some instances, telling the truth is viewed less favorably than telling a lie, and that knowing when to tell a white lie is a signal of social intelligence.

As a parent or caregiver, you may find it especially challenging to explain tricky social situations where a white lie might be more appropriate than the honest truth. Consider when your child must offer thanks for a gift that they don't like. Help them focus on the positive aspects of the gift. Explain to your child, "I know you don't love your new sweater, and it makes your neck itchy, but think about all the hours Grandma put into knitting it. That's the really special part about this gift, and that's something you can honestly thank her for."

When Tweens Lie (Ages 9 to 12)

Most tweens are well on their way to establishing a hardworking, trustworthy, and conscientious identity. But they're also becoming more adept at maintaining lies and more sensitive to the repercussions of their actions—and they may have strong feelings of guilt after lying.

Forthright and longer conversations about honesty are definitely necessary, as there will be rare "little white lie" moments when some dishonesty is acceptable in order to be polite or to spare another person's feelings. When situations like this arise, be straightforward with your child to avoid sending mixed messages.

Start a conversation with, "You know how always telling your parents the truth is very important, right? Well, there are also times when it's important to be polite and not hurt another person's feelings. If we're visiting friends and they serve a lunch you don't like, it's not polite to make a big scene and refuse to eat. You should eat the food and say 'Thank you.' You're being a thoughtful guest who will get invited over to play again next time!"

Good role models are still crucial for your kids, so consider enlisting close family members or caring neighbors to guide your children through challenging social interactions. It's going to get harder before it gets easier, but there is a silver lining. "Children who have an established relationship with their parents, where they feel comfortable talking and disclosing information, are more likely to tell the truth," says Dr. Talwar. "But also realize that your children are not always going to tell you the truth. Taking a moment to think about why they are lying should help you respond to their lies appropriately."

Age-Appropriate Consequences for Lying

You may be wondering if you should punish your child for lying, and the answer is no, not exactly. While there should be age-appropriate consequences for lying, it might be best to consider them as opportunities to teach your child about the importance of honesty as opposed to relying on punishment, which can cause feelings of humiliation.

The problem with punishment is that it doesn't teach a child a lesson in how to correct and avoid a specific behavior. Instead, punishment uses power to teach a child fear. Studies have shown that punishing children through force and shame can have profound negative psychological consequences.

Try using natural or logical consequences to help your child learn a lesson about lying. In other words, if your child lies and gets caught, use that moment to dole out a consequence that fits the crime. For example, if your child lies and says they cleaned their room when they really just shoved everything under their bed, a logical consequence would be to pull everything out and ask them to start over and put their things away where they go.

Afterward, reinforce the lesson by talking with your child about why lying isn't so great. By showing your child compassion, patience, and a willingness to listen and communicate with them, they are far less likely to take up a habit of lying.

Key Takeaways

When we think of lying, we usually think of someone being dishonest for nefarious reasons, but the truth is that kids (and adults) lie for many reasons, like avoiding confrontation. Teaching your child the importance of telling the truth and how to navigate situations when being honest might feel uncomfortable is an excellent way to help your kid build character—and self-respect.

Children and Lying . American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry . 2017.

Parenting by Lying in Childhood Is Associated With Negative Developmental Outcomes in Adulthood . Journal of Experimental Child Psychology . 2020.

Growing Independence: Tips for Parents of Young Children . American Academy of Pediatrics . 2021.

Telling It Like It Isn't: A Review of Theory and Research on Deceptive Communications . Human Communication Research . 1979.

Liar, Liar…Sometimes: Understanding Social-Environmental Influences on the Development of Lying . Current Opinion in Psychology. 2022.

Shaming School Children: A Violation of Fundamental Rights? . Sage Journals . 2019.

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What to do when your child lies.

Posted by Informed Families on August 5, 2021 at 11:30 PM

All kids lie, according to Victoria Talwar, Ph.C., associate professor in the Department of Educational and Counseling Psychology at McGill University in Montreal.

“Teaching children about the importance of honesty early and teaching them how to resolve situations so they don’t need to rely on lying will ensure they will be honest—most of the time,” she told Parents magazine.

It can start as early as toddlerhood, when they may have trouble distinguishing fiction from reality. Even handled properly, as we’ll discuss below, it can continue through the teenage years. And, let’s be honest, adults lie, too. (“I’m too sick to come to work today.” “Tell them I’m not here.”)

Don’t overreact

When you catch your child in a lie, it’s important not to overreact, or to take it personally. Lying is normal human behavior, usually used to get something we want or to avoid something unpleasant.

First of all, communication is critical. Try to understand why the child lied. Calmly discuss the situation and help them see why what they did was unacceptable. Ask them if there was a different way to resolve the underlying issue and help them explore alternatives.

If a child lies about doing their homework or hanging out with a crowd you don’t approve of, of course, it requires some kind of consequence. But don’t hand unreasonable or disproportionate punishments out of anger. This just pushes the resentful child toward more lies and evasion in the future

When to get help

If you find your child repeatedly lying about serious issues (drug or alcohol use, for example), it might be time to seek professional help. Such behaviors have can serious consequences, and may require trained intervention.

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Why Kids Lie and What Parents Can Do About It

"Call them fibs, whoppers or straight-up untruths: However you label them, kids are likely to lie somewhere along the way. While a younger child may conjure up an elaborate tale about how she couldn’t possibly have kicked a younger sibling, older kids may flat-out lie about doing their homework. Learn h ow to help kids find honest alternatives to bending the truth" in this article by Beth Arky for the Child Mind Institute.

• https://childmind.org/article/why-kids-lie/